CORNWALL TOUR 2002

Tuesday 2nd July

We set off at 6.00am, (Well, Angie and David did), three in the Myf-mobile and two in Angie's Rover (woof!)…Very apt, as we were the famous five, and Angie was dubbed Timmie the dog. Sophie Myf and JT left at 7.00am and consequently they were late for breakfast at Exeter Services. (The Myf-Mobile maintains that it was slow lorries and no matter how fast Myf drove (close on 110 mph) they couldn't get there faster). It was time for a wee, Angie demonstrated by doing Monkey impressions in the car. Angie and David had already had breakfast when the others arrived and then Myf produced the tour t-shirts; the Famous Five Go Down to the Sea in Cornwall. After a quick chat, we set off for Cornwall. Angie accompanied David to the campsite where he decided to set up his tent for the night. (What a fool!) Just before it started raining the tent was erected. The airbed was pumped up and the guy ropes tied. All set for happy campers. Then the heavens opened.

Across the road at the pub, we ordered lunch whilst David took a work's telephone call for over half an hour. The temptation to eat our lunch and remove the plates before David finished his call and then claim we weren't hungry was almost too much for us, but we restrained ourselves. It was of course, only the first day! When David finally finished his call, normal (?) conversation resumed although David thought that Pauline in Eastenders used to be Miss Bach in "Are you being Served?" not Miss Brahms. We then had a joke about Miss Shostakovich and Miss Tchaicovsky, although it didn't make complete sense to all of us! But now there was pudding…Myf didn't want cream on her Chocolate malt Cake. When it arrived, the waitress brought it with cream, whereupon we heard the now quote of the tour, (also establishing himself as "Scrounger" of the tour) when David asked, "I'll have that if you're going to throw it away!"

The rest of the gang then checked in at the Travel Inn and then we all bundled into Angie's car to go into soggy Falmouth. And at this time it really was lashing down with rain. Myf had naturally starting insulting people so she donned the trusty plastic rain hood that was substitute for the usual nappy. She wore it in such a way that it looked as though she was a parachutist…it quickly moved onto Angie though! Once again we had the CATS pot, which was really Sophie's camera wrapping. Twenty pence for every time you said the word, (the Four letter C word). Walking through the town Myf asked "Do I look like an intrepid tourist?" as she had the rain hood over her jacket hood, Sophie Replied, "No you look like a penguin."

Angie bought a new purse as her zip broke and the lady in the shop told her she had too much in it. David bought an outdoor seat, complete with cup holder in the arm! We made our way to the pier where we all had an ice cream, David just missing out on a free one. (Scrounging again!) We then decided to take the ferry; David asked, "Where does that P&O ferry go?" (looking at the huge ferry moored at the docks) Angie said, "It'll go into dry dock," and Myf interjected, "no it's the Flushing ferry". We boarded the ferry, and the rain stopped, which was a nice surprise. JT was poised in case of having to project over the sides, as he is allergic to anything moving. It was an enjoyable crossing though. Finding that when we got to the other side the rain started again. The ferryman took a fancy to David's chair and let us leave it on the boat. We walked in the rain to the pier then back to the pub for a drink and a brief spell to dry off. Back to the ferry and over the seas (alright, Falmouth harbour). Back to the shops for JT's new hat and then back to the travel inn for a change and off to the tent for David.

As it was so wet, we went to the pub next door for tea. The wait for food was a bit frustrating, as we had to get to Falmouth by 8pm. The meal came and we had a scoffing competition, which Angie won (not David!) We managed to make the show just in time and sat down to enjoy Tennorisimo; Three tenors, and a professional show not to all our tastes. We had a lot more fun watching the blue-rinses in the audience and we learned how to cry "Oh yes" every time they mentioned an old singer and to stamp our feet to the music like old soldiers marching. In the interval and the girls went to the loo, but didn't know which one to go into as there was a notice on one of the doors saying "This toilet only has a sanitary bin." So where was the toilet???

We left the theatre singing in our operatic voices "Gooobbyyyyyeeeee" much to the annoyance of those who did not enjoy the show, and those that did! We then went back to the cosy Travel inn whilst David went to his wet tent…we wondered how he would sleep.

Wednesday 3rd July

David did sleep very well, despite the torrential rain that lasted all night. We all went into Truro for our all day breakfast, and John's lasted all day because he had two! Time for shopping and back to the car to drive to Porthcurno to the Minack Theatre. It was cloudy and we thought, better take all the stuff in case it rains. As we drove further west, the weather improved and Angie and David managed to see a helicopter take off from Penzance, above their heads. We arrived, despite anxieties that Angie may have gone the wrong way. Four ways from the front, we settled down to eat our packed lunches. We took David's cherries and Myf and Angie enjoyed their Banana drinks. Sophie and Myf seemed to get rather sunburned rather quickly and Myf was rather proud of her "watch mark". "The Shaughraun" an Irish Melodrama, was a very entertaining and well-done performance, apart from the dogs barking in the wrong places and the vicar and his niece starting with an Irish accent, and ending up Proper Cornish. The sun shone and the clouds went away. Sophie and John dropped their water bottle on the people in front (prat of the tour entrants?) Myf asked, "Do you think these people will mind if I put my feet on their shoulders?"

After the show we went into the shop for merchandise and had our touristy photo taken by an American Tourist! We drove back and dropped David off at his tent! We all got changed, and treated our sunburn. Angie went to pick up her sister Carol and we met in Truro for the now infamous "Moorfield Car Park" - but more of that later. We had a stroll and on entering one pub it all went silent and for a moment we thought we were the entertainment for the evening. Carol spoke of how she might have missed out on having children because of her age and that the biological clock may have stopped ticking, whereupon Myf replied "I think someone forgot to put the batteries in my biological clock!" We chose to have Chinese and settled down in the restaurant. The waitress should have been Carol Vorderman's sister as when we gave our order, she remembered it all in her head. Carol knew the manager and was cheeky (monkey) - no that's tomorrow…. oops, Banana. David missed his mouth with his tea and Angie's continued to clock up her CATS pot money, mentioning CATS at nearly every opportunity. We had a nice three-course meal and Myf practised her burping. We walked back to the car only to find…parking tickets attached to both cars!! We had failed to notice that it said 7am to 7pm charged and then underneath further down the board, "Evening Charge £1". An expensive night out. Angie was not amused and was going to write to the papers, but Myf said, "We missed it, let pay." Angie however continued moaning about how deceptive it was, earning her the "Moaner of the Tour Certificate". We drove back feeling rather hard done by. Then "Anaconda Man" went off to his tent to go and frighten the locals!

Thursday 4th July

Another day. Angie reflected that we would not have got into trouble with the parking if Nick had been with us as the last two years we have had a brush with the law; last year Sophie's car was pronged. Myf said, "maybe that's the price you pay for coming to Cornwall with a gay, Welsh liberal democrat." She did not come the first year. Myf was still suffering with her sunburn. Angie asked, "taking the suntan lotion today, Myf?" Answer; "I'm not getting out of the F***ing car today!

Well, it was "Sanctuary Day". If anyone mentioned the word Monkey, they had to eat a banana. Angie asked, "What happens if we make Banana noises???!!!" JT and Sophie bought the bananas after breakfast at Littlewoods and Myf and Angie went to pay their parking fines.

We then set off for the monkey sanctuary at Looe. We had not bargained for the tiny winding roads we had to go on to get there and we luckily only met one van coming towards us! When we got there, No Dogs Allowed, so Angie wasn't really allowed in! Somehow though, she managed it! We walked down to the enclosure and had a talk on the Amazon Woolly Monkeys; we watched them grooming each other and doing naughty little things with various parts of their bodies! JT was anxious to see his "adopted" monkey, Frosty, and asked to see him. We were very lucky to be taken to a higher enclosure where frosty was. The wait was worth it…he was a cute monkey showing us how to eat an apple properly, by spitting out the bits he didn't quite like! JT took some tips! He showed his teeth, and smiled and had a little "quiff", just like Elvis'. The spitting had encouraged David and JT to try it out and designed a new game (but more of that later!) We bought a few things in the shop, and unfortunately the bananas were given out to the culprits who had mentioned the word monkey. JT and David had one, but Angie had two! She didn't seem to be able to open her mouth without putting her foot in it and saying the wrong words! We had a picnic up in the trees and finished off David's cherries! (Ooh err…) we then had a competition to see who could project their cherry stone the furthest. David's stance took a bit of a beating and JT's hand rubbing was something else! They both rivalled each other with the length of their projections, but Sophie and Angie only managed to get it over the fence. Myf stayed in the car to have a snooze.

We then continued out of the black hole of Looe and onto Sidmouth, via the Tamar Bridge. The weather was fine again and by 4.15 we reached the Donkey Sanctuary to have a drink and view the old donkeys. A pleasant visit and enjoyable to relax in the sunshine. We moved onto Seaton where we doubled-checked the parking arrangements! Then to the fish and chip shop called the "Four C's". What did that mean, we asked? Sophie and Myf had coke floats, but JT wasn't brave enough to try any! The waitress got confused with JT's sausages, (wouldn't you?) and we scoffed the dinner, well Angie scoffed her pea fritter so quickly she burned her mouth! David had never had one before - pea fritter - that is! Another quote; David came out of the toilet saying "there's no room to shake a cat in there" Myf asked, "What about an anaconda?" We laughed!

Out onto the breeze to the bracing sea air on the prom and walking along we had to get over a wall… (Angie had to have considerable help…contributing to her award of Pratt of the Tour!) We went into the pub on the sea front and the following awards were awarded!

• Rain-hat wearing award - a toy parachutist awarded to Myf
• Scrounger award - a plastic biscuit for David for constantly scrounging food.
• Quote of the Tour - we voted for this one; "I'll have that if you're going to throw it away" commenting on the cake which was discarded by Myf. David was awarded a stretchy monkey which he then passed to JT as JT already had one monkey in one pocket and David thought that JT would have more fun with it than him - and he did. JT promptly stretched it into a very rude position.
• Burper of the tour - Myf won a packet of Resolve (should have been burping powder which Angie bought on the way and then lost just before the awards!)
• Prat of the Tour - Angie for trying to climb over a wall and failing, and saying CATS all the time, filling up the pot and saying monkey more times than anyone else!
• Moaner of the tour - Angie won a certificate for getting a parking ticket and constantly whinging about it.

After the awards we jumped into the cars for our drive back. Angie and David having t stop at Illminster for wees, and continued to do monkey noises because of it. A successful tour and although there were only five of us, "the Famous Five" got up to all sorts of adventures!